Today I did something that I generally avoid doing…I reached out to someone and asked a question. Why do I avoid reaching out to other and/or ask questions? Because I am always assuming I will be rejected. Ok ok…I know I am just making a big monster out of a dust bunny, but I still feed my anxiety by giving it what it wants; a big fat reason to hide!
But I reached out in spite of my anxiety…and once again my anxiety said ” oh… no…. you…. dont. Don’t you even try to excape feeling stupid”.
What damage is my insecurities doing to me? Well… when this person answered my question with a simple answer, my insecurities deciphered it as something like this…” You are so stupid for asking that question, how dare you waste my time with such an ignorant inquiry”. And finally, and proboly the most devistating thought my insecurity delivered to me was …. “You are so not worthly of asking me a question….Who do you think you are? You ignorant peaion”.
My mind was saying to me, ” you see even a question will open the door to subtle critism”.
So what did I do? I agreed with the voice of insecruity…for about 5 seconds…and then came back to rational thinking…and laughed at my monsters which encourage the dust bunnies to came out of hiding.
It has been really easy to do lately…why… because age gives you courage, time ticking away pushes you to look harder at your failings more reasonably and life force you to face more in an effort to feel alive.
Or maybe I am just so tired of doing the same old thing and not getting the result I want. I just have to start changing the way I do things and being uncomfortable is part of beating my anxiety and insecurity illusions.
I have heard it said so many times…”You shouldn’t care about what people think about you”. Really?, come on…someone like me having unrealistic expectations of myself and ever worse expectation of how others care…by telling me to not care about what others think, doesn’t eliviate that dark voice in my head.
I oscillate between being strong and sweeping out the dust bunnies to suiting myself up for a big fight ( but my armor is mearly just hiding myself away so the monster has no ammunition). Thankfully, the needing to hide from the monsters visitations are becoming much less and therefore the cleaning out and discovering of myself is becoming more comfortable.
Closing statement for this post….to be continued…gotta go hide from the monsters for now.